


Road to Hell

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-08
Updated: 2007-12-29
Packaged: 2019-01-19 15:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12413100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: She was sickened. It wasn’t so much that he cheated on her. She should have been waiting for it. No, she was deliriously angry that she made a mistake. She had let him get too close to her, knew he was impulsive. “And look at where your impulse got me.”�





	1. Road to Hell: Paved with Good Intentions

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

She was sickened. 

It wasn't so much that he cheated on her. She should have been waiting for it. Her friends told her so, his friends told her so. Hell, even her teachers had payed her subtle warnings. 

No, she was deliriously angry that she made a mistake. An obvious mistake, one that cut deep into her soul, tormenting her every time she saw him around Hogwarts, making his rounds amongst the girls, his hair flowing freely in the wind. He didn't even care that he'd done it to her, thought nothing about how much his actions would hurt. 

He was impulsive. She knew that, knew it before she agreed to go to Hogsmeade, recognized it as they hung out at Zonko's with the rest of the Marauders, even began to fall in love with it as he took her to the Astronomy Tower to watch the sunrise. It was something Lily had begun to associate with him, and anticipated the rendezvous around the castle. 

A playboy, perhaps, but romantic all-the-while. 

She had let him get too close to her. Evelyn had noticed it too, and had issued a warning. “He's known to be a bit . . . wild, Lily,” Evelyn confided late one night, in the inky blackness of the dorm. 

“Are you judging him on his reputation, Ev?” Lily was accusatory.

Evelyn was quiet. “I'm not judging anyone. I _am_ warning that reputations don't develop out of thin air.” 

She fell asleep after that, leaving Lily to ponder Evelyn's statements. Yes, he had a reputation. He was wanted, one of the most wanted young men at Hogwarts (excluding the new Arithmancy professor), but all of that was relative. Lily was not oblivious to the attention she received, the jealous glares she got, the many Valentines, ball invitations, and Hogsmeade offers she received. Lily was in much the same boat, with rumors flying every which way and a reputation trailing after her that she hadn't asked for. 

And most importantly, he was impulsive. Much of what he did could be defended, if only with the excuse that he truly hadn't been thinking. 

Remus had tried warning her. “He doesn't think, Lily. He buys things, he eats things, he pulls pranks, he calls people names, he gets into duels.” 

“I could name a few other characters around school who do that.” 

“The difference between him and me, Lily, is that I can put proper justification to my actions, even if my only answer is that I myself am to blame.” 

“And he can't do that?” 

“If you ask him why he does the things he does, he won't have an answer. He may not even remember what he did all that clearly. He doesn't think before acting. And right now, he's not very reliable, as doting as he may seem.” 

Lily hadn't wanted to hear it, refused to recognize that his actions could bring serious consequences. He may not have thought, but it wasn't like he killed anyone. He wasn't that rash. 

Even McGonagall hinted at the subject. She kept Lily after class to lecture her on “not letting her studies slide” under the influence of a “certain student.” Lily had assured the professor that not a grade would dip and that she felt she was entitled to a bit of fun in her life. 

And did he ever provide fun. 

Lily had never been one to act on impulse. Her actions were pondered and she had long ago discovered that hesitation meant something was amiss. She relied on that thought process the majority of her years at Hogwarts. Until he had entered her life.

 They snuck out of the dorms, snogged in the middle of the corridors, found new hiding places in passageways. He took her flying, taught her how to address a hippogriff. In return, she taught him how to swim and took him to a muggle nightclub. 

Never could she remember having so much excitement in her life at once. He breathed life into her, and she could feel herself depending on him. 

It was a slight change, but more and more she found herself wondering if she could survive without him. He told her he loved her underneath the mistle toe, and that night they made their way to his dorm room. Lily had been convinced she loved him.

 In retrospect, it all became clear. Lily should have known, and looking back, perhaps she did. As many warning as Evelyn had issued to her (to which she responded with silent treatment) and as often as Remus tried to keep them from spending time together (resulting in a shouting matches and a bruise), something should have clicked. Anything. 

It took Maeve Galvin. 

Lily had spent her day searching for him, wondering what adventure they would embark upon that night, hoping it was a trip to the kitchens. Expecting him to be scheming with his friends, she was (pleasantly) surprised to find him completing homework. Lily wasn't sure whether to feel upset or excited; she had been looking forward to spending time alone. 

“Do you need help?” She had asked. “Maybe we could take this up to your dorm.” She slid her hand along his thigh and kissed his neck. 

He released a shuddering breath, pulling away from her and standing up. “Probably not tonight,” he muttered. 

Feeling dejected, she stood up and tried again. “What's wrong?” She wrapped her arms around him, breathing in deeply. “I've never known you to pass up a shag.”

 He shook his head, tensing up at her words. “And then we can shower.” She rubbed her body against his. “You need to get this smell off you, anyway. I prefer your other aftershave. This fruity scent is nice, but I think I would like it better on myself.” 

He cleared his throat and pulled completely away. He looked at her, attempting to say something, but was interrupted by the knowledge of a gaze. Glancing over, he nodded, and someone walked over. 

“I didn't want to interrupt,” Maeve announced, sounding genuinely apologetic, “but I was wondering if you had a quill I could borrow, Lily? Mine broke and I'm trying to do that Arithmancy project Professor Donahue assigned.” 

Lily nodded and automatically reached into her bad, pausing as Maeve leaned down, throwing Lily a citrus-like scent. A scent Lily recognized. 

“That's a nice perfume, Maeve,” Lily commented, watching out of the corner of her eye. 

His eyes widened.

 “Thanks. You can borrow it, if you'd like,” Maeve smiled at her before moving away. Not a chance, Lily couldn't help but think. Not a chance in hell. 

She had been stupid. She had gotten attached. She had ignored the warnings, every last one of them. She ignored his trail of relationships, her friends' advice, his personality. She had loved him.

And then lost him. 

It would have been less painful if it had been with someone else, Lily reflected. But he had chosen Maeve. Maeve Galvin. She was sweet and intelligent and funny. Nothing akin to a home wrecker. A stupid girl, one lacking a brain, someone easy to use, would have been easier to stomach. 

At lest Lily could have come out of it feeling like she'd won. 

But it was Maeve, who had been so oblivious to what was happening. She'd had no clue there was a relationship. And he hadn't bothered telling her. The blame couldn't lie with Maeve. 

It was his fault.

 “Lily, I said I was sorry!” He called it through the door, as he had been for the past hour, trying to get her to leave. “Please, Lily, unlock the door. Let me talk to you about this.” 

“It's a little late for talking.” She didn't raise her voice, felt no need to. If he wanted to hear what she had to say, he would listen. 

“Lily.” It was a quiet plea, desperate. 

She opened the door. He was sprawled on the floor looking the part of a pathetic mess. His face held a note of shock, surprised that she had even opened the door.

 “Sirius Black.” She spat his name with disgust. “There's nothing for me to talk with you about. You made a mistake?” She mocked, as he opened his mouth to speak. “You want me to forgive you?” She continued at his indignant cries. “Well, surprise. I don't.” 

She continued to glare at him. “I made excuses for everything you did. If it hurt anyone, I had an excuse. If you forgot to do schoolwork, I had an excuse. _Every single thing you did_ , Sirius. I never once blamed you for anything.” She paused, collecting herself, controlling her rage. “But this time, Sirius, I _am_ blaming you. This _is_ your fault. It never was before. 'Oh, he just acts on impulse,' I told others, defending you. _Impulse_. And look at where your impulse got me.” 

He looked at her in silence. “I don't deserve you.” 

Lily met his gaze. “No, you don't.” 


	2. Road to Hell: Keep on Going

“He's a git, Lily.” Lily nodded but stayed silent. He had to keep himself in check. As gorgeous as Lily looked, as much as he wanted her, wanted her since fourth year, fourth year . . . 

Sirius had gotten her first. She was Sirius' girl. Not James'. Sirius. His best friend.

 And yet that could not deter the thoughts entering his mind. She looked so beautiful, especially today, without all that makeup she typically wore to impress others. She didn't need it. She was beautiful exactly the way she was. 

James wanted her. 

“You don't need him.” He had been trying to pump up Lily's self-esteem for days now, days after the initial break up, hours after Sirius came crying to her, begging for forgiveness. She was ready to give in, James could feel it. She was ready to forgive him of his misgivings (of which there were more than she was aware), was already justifying his actions. 

“He doesn't think,” she told him, working on a pro and con list. “He's impulsive.”

 James raised an eyebrow when Lily hesitated. “And is that a pro or a con?” 

Lily sighed. “I don't know.”

 “You don't know?” 

“I don't know,” she shrugged. It was simple, matter-of-fact. “I truly don't know whether it's a positive or a negative. For a while . . . at first, it scared me. And after that, I loved it. It came to be one of the things I valued most about him.” 

“Impulsiveness can be a dangerous thing, Lily.” 

“But it can also be exciting!” Her eyes were distant. “We went on midnight broom rides and trekked through the castle and walked on the frozen lake in winter.” 

James eyes widened. “That's not exciting, that's foolish!”

 “That's what I thought, at first,” she began, “but then it was new and intriguing. Everything I wasn't.” 

They lapsed into silence. The only sound was Lily's quill scratching her parchment as she divvied up Sirius's qualities. James was too nervous to look at what she was putting on the parchment. 

He could be everything Sirius wasn't. He could be everything Sirius was. James could be exciting. James could also draw the line between excitement and heedlessness. 

Eventually, Lily sighed, breaking the hush between the two. “I don't know.” 

James wasn't sure he wanted to know what she didn't, but felt it was his duty to ask anyway. “Don't know what?” 

“Whether to take him back.” She slid the list over to him and leaned back on the sofa, rubbing her face with her hands. 

James raised an eyebrow as he appraised the list. Looks and wit had gone on the pro side, as had intelligence. Laziness (especially pertaining to schoolwork) had been noted on the cons, along with reputation and inability to open up. 

Moving the list back in front of Lily, James noticed that the cons seemed to outweigh the pros. 

“Looks like a tough decision,” he finally said, leaning forward. “I just can't help but notice that one factor seems to be missing from your list.” 

Lily was silent. She knew what he was talking about, he was sure of it. 

“I still don't know where it goes.” 

“It's quite obvious, Lily,” he sighed. 

She was staring at the floor, lost in thought. “I thought I loved him. He was so much fun and he brought so much happiness to my life. For once I ventured out of my comfort zone, stopped thinking so much. I gave myself the chance to make stupid decisions.”

“And you want to make stupid decisions?” 

She was silent. 

“Sirius doesn't think. At all. His actions have consequences, and he doesn't like to see that,” James said quietly, cries of treason echoing in his mind. “His impulsiveness has gotten you into trouble. It was his impulsiveness that caused you two to break up in the first place. The fact that you don't know where to put that trait on this list gives you the answer you need.” James paused. “The fact that you need to make this list at all is a sign.” 

“A sign of what?” She looked anywhere but him. 

James set his jaw. Sirius couldn't be trusted, not with Lily. Sirius would mess up again. He was impulsive, thoughtless, reckless. James loved him, but he loved Lily as well. Sirius sent James to do some damage control, but perhaps James had to control a different type of harm. 

“A sign that he isn't right for you,” James announced. “A sign that there's someone else out there who is just as fun as he is, but more thoughtful. Less dangerous. Someone who can make you feel beautiful, exciting, exotic, but won't hurt you in the end. A sign that you're looking for love in all the wrong places, in all the wrong ways. It's a sign that someone else is better for you.” 

“How will I find him?” 

Lily looked up, meeting his eyes. He gazed at her, before breaking the connection and standing to leave. 

“You've already found him,” he said, before stepping out of the portrait hole. 


	3. Road to Hell: A Place of No Love

"But why would he go against his best friend?" 

Evelyn stared hard at Lily, unable to take her seriously. 

"It just makes no sense." Lily shifted on her bed, potions homework long since forgotten. "Honestly, he sauntered into the common room asking what was wrong, telling me I should listen to and sympathize with Sirius, and then left after saying he wasn’t worthy of me." 

Lily sighed and Evelyn felt herself falling into confusion. "Wait– James said he wasn’t worthy of you?" 

"What?" 

"James left after saying he wasn’t worthy of you?" 

"No," Lily informed, sending Evelyn a look. "James said Sirius wasn’t worthy of me. Aren’t you listening, Ev?" 

Irritated, Lily picked up her quill and began doodling on her parchment. She wasn’t even going to attempt her potions homework; didn’t Slughorn understand the stress she was going through? Infidelity, break-ups, love, betrayal. And now Evelyn wasn’t even listening to her problems. The one person Lily needed more than anyone right now couldn’t even keep track of the story Lily was trying to tell her. 

"Yes, Lily, I’m listening," Evelyn pronounced, the same was she always did when she was trying to digest information, "but I need a few minutes to get this straight. There are too many pronouns in your story." In typical fashion, Evelyn tore a piece of Lily’s parchment and snatched the quill from her friend’s hand. 

"Let me see if I can get this straight," she muttered. "You and Sirius: happy couple." Evelyn drew two smiling stick figures holding hands. "All is ruined when Maeve," she crossed out Lily and put Maeve’s stick figure next to her, "does something with Sirius– and we still wonder what it was, because if Maeve is anything at all, it is certainly not a whore." 

Lily had to agree. She had been nice to Maeve; if not friends, then close acquaintances. A modest girl, innocent and pure, in all sense of appearances at the least. She was chased by her own set of Hogwarts males, but no rumors of credibility had been circulated about her. This incident, however, forced Lily to wonder. 

"Cut to you crying in the bathroom," Evelyn continued, piecing together a drawing of the Heads bathroom (which, Lily had to admit, was impeccably drawn, considering Evelyn had been in there fewer than a handful of times), "and Sirius crying outside of it. He--" 

"I’m not sure he was crying," Lily interrupted. "I mean, his face was pale and drawn, but I didn’t see tears falling down his face." 

Evelyn stared at Lily. "Take it from a girl who has four brothers and an overprotective father: men cry. They don’t want you to think that, and they’re good at hiding it, but if you left Sirius in the dust and he really wanted you back, he would be crying. What color were his eyes? Were they shiny?" 

"I didn’t look into his eyes." 

"And why not?" 

"Don’t sound so scandalized. What difference would looking into his eyes have made?" 

Evelyn gasped. "All the difference in the world! Your eyes would have been his undoing, Lily, and all of his faults would have spilled out. A woman’s eyes are like free Veritaserum." 

Lily raised her eyebrows. 

"So he was crying, agreed?" Evelyn continued. "You open the door, tell him off, run to the dorm. James Potter," she then drew a stick figure with bulging muscles, messy hair, and a halo, "comes to the rescue." 

"You’re giving him a bit much credit, Ev." Lily couldn’t look away from the picture. "I mean, he has muscles, but they aren’t... bulging like that. Yes, his arms are nicely shaped, but his chest and abs– oh, Merlin, he’s--" 

She cut off when Evelyn cleared her throat. "Er, right, then," Lily stuttered, attempting to clear her head. "Anyway, right-o. Where were we?" 

"I think you were just about to confess your undying love for James Potter." 

"I should think not! His body is just nice." 

Evelyn laughed. "Right. So he enters the common room, starts telling you that Sirius isn’t as bad as he seems and then starts saying that Sirius is actually worse than he seems. He ends the conversation with the idea that you should not take Sirius back, but should start dating him, James, instead." 

A stick figure halfway out of the portrait whole appeared on the paper. 

"And now you’re here. Is that correct?" 

Lily nodded, chuckling a bit as she looked over Evelyn’s illustrations. 

"Art’s your calling, Ev." 

"Oh, yes, I hear the Mona Lisa was originally drawn to be a stick figure. Don’t know why Da Vinci changed his mind." 

They fell silent as Lily mulled over the recent events in her head. She still didn’t know what to do. James– he had looked, sounded so sincere. Lily just wasn’t sure what he was playing at. Sirius was his best mate. She didn’t understand why James would be after his friend’s ex. 

That would ruin their friendship. Lily was sure Sirius sent James to do damage control, and James instead chose to swoop in and attempt to take Lily for himself. She had to wonder at James’s audacity. It made her want to date Sirius again just to make a point. 

It just didn’t feel right. Going with Sirius again felt wrong somehow, but going with James didn’t feel like the correct course of action, either. She still didn’t know what to do. She needed help. 

Slowly, Lily reached under her pillow, grabbing the piece of parchment that had been plaguing her. "I may have left a little part out," she said, turning to Evelyn. 

Curious, Evelyn read the list quickly, skimming over all the contents before glancing up at Lily. "Well, this looks like a conflict." 

"It is," Lily nodded. "He’s all tied up," Evelyn noted, almost to herself. "For some reason, however, his negative side is focused primarily on aesthetics." She paused, waiting for Lily to defend herself. "I would think a girl, particularly you, would want more from a relationship than reputation and a good shag." 

Lily reddened at her comment. Of course Evelyn knew that Lily loved the way her and Sirius looked together. Of course she knew when Lily lost her virginity– even before Lily had told her. Evelyn knew Lily better than Lily knew herself. 

But she hadn’t expected Evelyn to so correctly decipher what Lily wouldn’t even admit to herself. 

"Unless there’s a factor that pushes Sirius to the heavens, I’m not sure he’s worthy," Evelyn said quietly. 

Lily couldn’t find words. "I think... he might." She paused. "There’s... I didn’t know where to put it." Quickly, Lily drew in a new column, Neutral, and placed impulsiveness neatly under. "I don’t know if it’s good or bad." 

Evelyn didn’t know either. "You need to be honest with yourself, or you aren’t going to be happy." 

"I know." 

"Deep inside you know whether his impulse is a plus or a minus." 

"I know." 

"You’re leaning one way. Don’t be scared of it." 

"James," Lily croaked, clearing her throat. "James said that... making this list was a sign that... Sirius isn’t right for me. He said--" she broke off, sighing. "He told me that if I had to make a list to see if Sirius was the one, it’s a sign that he’s not. He said it was a sign that someone is better than Sirius. Someone waiting for me that’s all Sirius is and more." 

Her eyes were focused on her duvet. "I asked how I would find that man, and James said it was him." 

Lily looked at Evelyn, her eyes in a silent question. 

Evelyn shrugged. "Perhaps he’s right." 


	4. Road to Hell: Everyone is Damned

She was avoiding them. Both of them, as it were, but she could not block out the rumors circulating the school. Nor could she ignore the black eye James had walked into Potions with (getting a heckle from Severus, which she heartily disapproved of and deducted ten points from Slytherin, engaging her in another argument), and the shouts reverberating off the common room walls were more than Lily could bear.

She found herself on top of the school. Not in the Astronomy Tower (Merlin knew what she’d find there), but on the shingled roof, beaten from the grungy weather. She ran her hands over the rough roof slowly, drowning in memories. Sirius had taken her up on here one cold Autumn day. She had begged him not to, told him she had homework, prefect duties to attend to, cried that she had never learned to fly. He told her not to fret. He said he would protect her as they flew higher and higher into the air, and once up atop the majestic palace, she didn’t doubt his word.

Not once had she feared the deep drop to the ground, too preoccupied with the setting sun glistening off the lake as Sirius stole innocent kisses. Much later, after conjuring a blanket and searching for constellations, they flew down and feasted in the kitchens, the house elves more than happy to prepare a meal for the couple.

That night, Lily rediscovered _passion_ in her life for something other than proving herself academically to her blood-superiors. It was the night she had fallen in love with him. It was a whim decision to take her up there, but once in his mind, Sirius hadn’t hesitated, even when Lily herself did. Sirius had always been strong-willed, and it was a trait Lily craved in a suitor. That night had been one of the most romantic in her life.

Lily had to wonder how many other girls he’d shared similar experiences with.

Her heart throbbed at the realization. Sirius had _cheated_ on her. He knowingly gave himself up to a girl other than Lily, and she still couldn’t understand why.

Impulse was no longer valid. Lily couldn’t imagine the reasons behind his infidelity. Was she not enough? Not funny enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough in bed? She tried to be everything, tried to appear as though she had the world. Sirius saw through that. And she thought he had liked what he saw.

Lily sighed and sat up from the roof. Dusk was beginning to settle. The world looked flawless beneath her, beautiful, yielding no pain. Everything seemed easier from the colossal height, proportionate to other issues. A boyfriend should have been the least of Lily’s concerns: dark times were looming, a new reign of terror on the way. She glanced at the _Prophet_ often enough to recognize that.

But deep within her, she could not help but be relieved to be worrying about a boy. This problem, this meaningless detail, was the concern of her current life. The moment she had to worry about the world, worry about life or death, was the moment she had to grow up.

For a while, she was content to be a child.

\-----

The castle was quiet as Lily ventured toward the portrait hole. It was unsettling; it was as if the sudden ice between Sirius and James had chilled the entire castle, every house feeling the effects of mates falling out.

Lily tried not to think about it.

She was met in the hall by a few students, years below her, although she couldn’t have guessed specifics. They were whispering to each other, gossiping about the big fight between the most attractive males of Hogwarts.

Lily’s stomach clenched. She broke up the group of students to ask specifics, only to feel worse as she learned the details.

Apparently, Sirius confronted James about shagging his girlfriend, to which James responded with a threat and asked what he (Sirius) was going to do about it. Sirius lunged at James, choking him, throwing punches before Remus pulled him back. According to the messengers, Sirius called Remus a traitor, accused him (Remus) of shagging some girl -- _Rolanda_ \-- along with James behind Sirius’s back. Apparently, they weren’t talking to each other, save for Peter, who was being the go-to between the three.

Lily walked away from the group of students in a daze, reflecting on the story. She had to wonder how much of it derived from the truth and be amazed at the way stories got warped. She and James had definitely not been shagging, nor Lily and Remus, and Lily wasn’t sure a Rolanda even attended Hogwarts.

She sighed, making her way toward the portrait hole, dreading her inevitable entrance. The Fat Lady stared at her.

“Are you entering?” She seemed to be getting annoyed; this surprised Lily, to whom the Fat Lady had shown nothing but patience. “I would like to be able to leave my portrait soon, you know. I’ve been interrupted from my nap by constant yelling.”

She spoke with a stuffy voice, head held high, nose snubbing Lily. Lily supposed the Fat Lady got that way when she was tired and cranky.

“People yelling, throwing things. Honestly, one should think they would be civil to one another. Yelling something about a young woman, I suppose, as only crude language can illustrate.”

Lily nodded, suddenly on high alert. “Oh?”

The Fat Lady huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. “Young men these days. They should be looking for potential suitors, not hosting various girls at all hours of the night. _Some_ of us like our sleep.” She began blinking rapidly. “Oh, all I wanted was a little rest, but those young boys ran in and out like _madmen_.”

Lily could feel her head beginning to pound. She shook it, muttering the password, before climbing in, leaving the complaining Fat Lady in her wake.

“Lily!” Evelyn ran to Lily, pushing her back toward the portrait hole. “Let’s get out of here,” Evelyn whispered.

“Ev, my head _hurts_ ,” Lily whined, allowing herself to be pushed but stopping at the exit. “I just want to sleep.”

“Yes, well, I’d recommend sleeping anywhere but here,” Evelyn told her, shoving Lily a bit more forcefully and reaching forward to open the portrait. “You probably…”

The rest of Evelyn words were drowned out as shouting was heard from the boys’ stairwell. Few heads turned, most accustomed to the recent din, but Lily could not look away. She was transfixed on the two young men, supposed best mates, glaring at each other, wands pointed in each other’s direction.

Lily groaned as Sirius opened his mouth to utter a hex at James, frozen to her spot, despite Evelyn attempting to pull her out of the portrait hole.

This was what Lily had been avoiding. This was the issue she did not want to deal with, the concern she had been praying was completely false. Rumors were abundant, but as her friends, her loves, stood hexing each other… even Lily couldn’t deny the truth anymore.

Feeling the bile rise in her throat, she turned and ran.


End file.
